Just For Fun
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How to give a cat a pill 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
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3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
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4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
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5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
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6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
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7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
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8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
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9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
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10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
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11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
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12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
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13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
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14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
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15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
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Positions Wanted... as written by cats
Gourmet seeks position as chief food taster. Excellent taste in venison, salmon and other fine meats. Connoisseur of cream. Will indicate quality of all foods tasted with loud purring.
Elderly tabby seeks employment as bed-warmer. Will keep bed warm throughout day in return for daily salary of Whiskas and water. Gets along well with similarly inclined felines of all colours and willing to work as a team or will cover additional beds on shift rota basis.
Mother's help seeks post, will undertake dish-licking and general purring. Willing to supervise well-behaved children. No tail-pullers need apply.
Sweet-natured, well-behaved cat, handicapped by enormous size, needs large country estate. Would make ideal companion/chaperone for single person with strong lap, good income and excellent taste in food.
Retired rodent-control operative seeks position controlling slow or disabled rats, maintaining physical presence or willing to supervise younger cats.
Trouble getting up in the morning? Enthusiastic feline alarm clock, pre-set to 5 a.m. seeks position after previous job fell through. Punctual, seven days/week.
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House Rules Concerning the Dog...
1. The dog is not allowed in the house!
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the OLD furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. All right, the dog is allowed on the bed, but ONLY by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but NOT under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation ONLY.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
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